During my Ahab-like quest for the perfect meal I've come across a number of disturbing things: things that need to go back into the oven, things wilted beyond recognition and things that look like they maybe came out of the chef (seriously, do not eat at Quickly Cafe). But I never thought I would actually put myself in harms way until I ate roadside strawberrys from Tsukuda Farms, a berry growing operations with locations at 2690 Seeley Avenue, San Jose and 10638 Story Lane, San Jose. Tsukuda also has a small operation around the corner from Cisco's main campus.

Just in case you have not had a near death experience allegedly caused by roadside strawberrys here is what you need to know. Cheap growers commonly drop the most lethal stuff on their crops in order to maximize yield. The chemical of choice for these slash and burn types is methyl bromide. This stuff is so deadly that farm workers can drop dead just from smelling it. In fact, the state of California warns,"If you can smell it, you are being dangerously overexposed. A harmful or even fatal dose can be inhaled without the victim being aware of it at the time."

I love the psychology of elitism, almost as much as I love the psychology of crazy. Which is why I've always been fascinated by the perks granted to the elite. Take for example the perks that are bestowed upon you once you reach the lofty position of tenured university professor: a job for life, an army of indentured grad students and your own private dining hall. I understand the basis for some of these perks. How else would you get someone to forgo the pay associated with private industry without the carrot of lifetime employment? But a private dining facility? Are the students simply unclean?

TheRefrigerator decided to go undercover and find out just what goes on in the faculty dining hall at Santa Clara University.

Restaurant: Loving Hut
Location: 516 Barber Lane, Milpitas CA and 165 University Avenue, Palo Alto CA
Style of cuisine: Vegan
Price: $6.95 - $9.95 (lunch menu)
Vegetarian options: You should hold your birthday party here
Website: Loving Hut

How does one even attempt to explain the Loving Hut? It's a restaurant, a cake shop, the largest Tofurky distributor on the west coast and a recruiting station for Supreme Master TV (whatever that is). An enormous, neon "Loving Hut" sign that is supposed to hang outside the restaurant is nailed to the ceiling inside the restaurant instead. It's one part Wonka chocolate factory (where up is down) and one part Buddhist temple.

See, the Loving Hut has a philosophy and that philosophy is veganism. Throughout the restaurant there are pictures of Richard Gere and Reese Witherspoon, their faces hanging above a caption that reads,

"These smart, beautiful, talented people are vegetarian. Why aren't you?"

If you don't mind a restaurant that has the ambiance of an Army recruiting station then you will probably like the Loving Hut.

Restaurant: Bistro Elan
Location: 448 South California Avenue, Palo Alto CA
Style of cuisine: French
Price: Highway robbery
Vegetarian options: Chanterelle Pancakes for $13, Sautéed Broccoli for $9.75, Chilled Cucumber Soup for $9.75
Website: Bistro Elan

Nobody loves a good French restaurant more than me. After consuming copious amounts of French cooking I want nothing more than to lie down beside my table in the restaurant and fall asleep. My wife can confirm that I've tried to do this on more than one occasion. Which is why I was so disappointed with my experience at Bistro Elan. Bistro Elan is a well established, well reviewed restaurant that serves incredibly bad food at incredibly high prices. We waited so long in-between courses that we almost nodded off from sheer boredom. It would have been the first time I ever fell asleep in a restaurant from something other than contentment.

Just in case you, too, would like to have your wallet drained for no good reason, here is what the amuse-bouche looks like at Bistro Elan:

Restaurant: Darda Seafood Restaurant
Location: 296 Barber Court, Milpitas CA
Style of cuisine: Halal Chinese food
Price: Best deal at the 99 Ranch Market
Vegetarian options: A few tofu dishes

If your place of employ offers lunch, chances are the corners have been cut so many times that things are starting to look like a circle. When I worked at Netflix they served a wretched boxed lunch to all the employees (and the expectation was you would stay in the building and eat this crime against humanity instead of going out for lunch). At my current employ the food is a bit better but a working person needs a cheap, local eatery to survive the daily grind. Enter Darda Seafood Restaurant.

Darda occupies the space of two normal restaurants at the 99 Ranch Market mall. An enormous portrait of Mecca fills the back wall. Underneath a towering Kaaba sit dozens of banquet-style tables and chairs. The whole thing feels like a big Chinese wedding that got booked in a mosque.

Did I mention they serve Chinese food?

Restaurant: Mayfield Bakery and Cafe
Location: Town & Country Village, 855 El Camino Real, Palo Alto CA
Style of cuisine: French technique applied to "organic, seasonal and sustainable ingredients"
Price: You'll wonder if the menu is priced in Swedish krona and weep quietly when you learn that it's not
Vegetarian options: Wide variety
Website: Mayfield Bakery and Cafe

How do I love thee Mayfield? Let me count the ways: your coffee is full of flavor, but never bitter. Like Folger's always promised us but never delivered. Your waitstaff openly wept upon receiving the news that ours had grown lukewarm over the course of our meal. As if hot water had never cooled before. Waiters crawled over one another in a mad rush to bring us a fresh cup of your magical, dark brew. It was a breakfast of perfection.

I don't know if the Peet's Coffee & Tea near you carries Hint Essence Water, but mine does. As a dedicated food blogger I knew I had to give it a try. The bottle promises that,"Hint is a refreshing alternative to soda, juice and other sweetened drinks and it tastes great." Hint actually tastes like plastic, so the bottle is not being completely honest with you.

If you visit the Hint website you'll see that Kara Goldin, creator of bad-tasting Hint, thinks that $2.50 for a 16 ounce serving of plastic-tasting water is a great deal. Kara also wants you to know that her Facebook page has earned 2,795 "Likes" to date. How in the world 2,795 consumers brought themselves to click the "Like" button in regard to this product, however, is a mystery that will forever be shrouded in shadows. I did hear that your palate loses sensation as you grow older, so maybe there's a really big retirement home that lets the residents hang out on Facebook all day.

Restaurant: Quickly USA - New Generation Asian Fusion Style Chain Cafe
Location: 540 Barber Lane, Milpitas CA
Style of cuisine: Asian junk food
Price: Cheap
Vegetarian options: If you care about what you eat you will never eat here
Website: Quickly USA

What won't I eat for this blog? In Episode 3 of our series on the restaurants of the 99 Ranch Market I took a tour of the lowest of low-end cuisine at Quickly. This is what Quickly calls a pot sticker:



It wasn't horrible. But it didn't taste like anything. It was sitting in my mouth and it acted like food, but you could tell it was just phoning in the role.

Restaurant: Maruichi
Location: 530 Barber Lane, Milpitas CA
Style of cuisine: Japanese ramen
Price: $7.45 for more noodles than you can eat
Vegetarian options: All broths are either pork based or chicken based

Episode 2 in our ongoing series on the cuisine of 99 Ranch Market brings us to Maruichi, a ramen house that always has a line outside. Loyal patrons who are willing to wait for a table is usually a good sign, and Maruichi does not let down in this regard. When you finally do get your table, you'll notice a plastic container of kimchi awaiting your arrival.



You might be wondering what a Korean staple food is doing in a Japanese ramen house. Apparently kimchi is extremely popular in Japan and is frequently found in Japanese restaurants. If you haven't tried kimchi before then you should probably take the plunge at Maruichi; their kimchi is delicious. If want to know what's in kimchi then I should probably warn you that you're not going to like the list of ingredients (fermented cabbage and, well... fermented cabbage). But like Gestalt psychology or the Mona Lisa, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

Restaurant: Gourmet Hunter
Location: 550 Barber Lane, Milpitas CA
Style of cuisine: Chinese gourmet
Price: A total deal for the quality
Vegetarian options: Iceberg Lettuce for $6 (seriously, it's on the menu)
Website: Gourmet Hunter

When I think of quick Chinese food... let's just say that visions of sugar plums and lollypops do not dance in my head. You've seen the sauce that I'm talking about, the one composed primarily of red dye and corn syrup. It's sole purpose in life is to mask the freezer burn taste that afflicts the chicken over which it is draped. Every time I see a plate of red goo like that come out of the kitchen I know I've made a mistake. Which is why the prospect of finding a fast, gourmet Chinese restaurant in a mall in Milpitas seemed about as likely as finding a unicorn at a Best Buy. But now that I've actually been to the Gourmet Hunter, a gourmet Chinese restaurant located in the 99 Ranch Market, I think I'm going to have to figure out where my unicorn is going to sleep.

Gourmet Hunter, where have you been all of my life?