Restaurant: Honeyberry
Location: 3488 El Camino Real, Santa Clara CA
Style of cuisine: Dessert
Price: $1.50 per Roti Bun
Vegetarian options: Roti Buns can be eaten by all the peoples of the world

Now I know what that first caveman felt like when he stood upright, walked out of his cave and smelled donuts for the first time. Think about it, back when we were eating gruel and turnips someone invented the donut. It must have changed humanity. To finally enjoy food at last. It must have been a turning point for man.

I thought I had been enjoying food up till now but it must have been gruel and turnips, because tonight I had an experience that introduced me to a whole new level of taste sensation. I don't think I'll ever look at food the same way again. Because tonight I ate my first Roti Bun.

Here is the Roti Bun in its natural habitat: perched atop a warm oven, waiting to be served.



What is a Roti Bun, you ask?

Restaurant: Green Cafe
Location: 190 Ranch Drive, Milpitas CA
Style of cuisine: Vietnamese
Price: $7 lunch specials, $6.95 - $9.50 dinners
Vegetarian options: You'll love this place so much you'll want to marry it

I know conventional wisdom states you should never eat in a restaurant that has absolutely no patrons. But when a brand new, completely empty vegan restaurant opened up next to the Banana Leaf in Milpitas, I knew I had to give it a try. It was so empty on the opening day that I thought it might actually be a very large dollhouse. While it may not be Barbie's dreamhouse, it certainly is a vegan's dream: lovingly cooked vegetables with flavorful sauces.

If you've tried vegan cooking you know there are two schools of thought: 1) vegetables are just fine, and 2) we're going to make you think this wretched stuff is chicken. I'm pretty sure the vegetable crowd has it right. By sticking to vegetables and tofu a vegan restaurant can make great tasting entrées and possibly lure in the occasional meat-eater that needs a break from hamburger. Vegan restaurants that choose to make fake hamburgers, instead, only risk alienating meat-eaters. Seriously, how is a chef that's never eaten meat supposed to get the flavor of a hamburger right? I guess you could tell him,"Just make it taste like it's been on the floor."

Green Cafe plays for team veg. They prepare vegetables the way your mom prepares vegetables; with tofu and lemongrass and coconut curry sauce and love. Come to think of it, if your mom prepares vegetables that way then I'm coming over for dinner. My flute practice gets out at 3 pm, do you think that time works for her?

Restaurant: QQ Noodle
Location: 416 Barber Lane, Milpitas CA
Style of cuisine: Chinese soup
Price: Not that cheap
Vegetarian options: No safe options (all the soup stocks taste like they come from a beef base)

Soup is unique in that it hits all the tongue's taste zones at the same time. When soup is prepared in the Southeast Asian style it can become one of those rare dishes that includes sweet, salty, sour and bitter flavors. In the food trade we call this a full tongue experience. And yet, at the same time, if you happen to visit my Mom's house you'll see a pot of water that's been boiling for weeks (weeks!) and each day new, random stuff has been thrown into the pot. This is what we refer to in the food trade as childhood trauma. Thus we find that soup can be associated with the best of times and the worst of times.

See how I worked in the Charles Dickens reference, there? This blog is so good.

So imagine my excitement when a new Southeast Asian soup shop opened for business in the Milpitas Ranch Market. I was like a kid on Christmas. Like a nerd with a new iPhone. I wanted to camp out in front of the restaurant the night before it opened but a homeless guy beat me to the spot. As I watched them raise the QQ Noodle sign over the doorway and affix it to the building I was overcome with a sense of awe and fear. Mainly fear because I could see that the sign was not screwed in right. When I passed the shop the very next day the sign lay in a million pieces on the ground in front of the doorway (true story). It was a sign of things to come.

I know that eating pork isn't very good for you. But neither is growing old or letting your children drive you slowly mad. And since I won't be giving up either of those activities anytime soon I decided to indulge myself and take a trip down memory lane to visit my old friend the McRib. Let me tell you darling, he hasn't aged a bit.

Restaurant: Nutrition House
Location: 496 Barber Lane, Milpitas CA
Style of cuisine: Chinese food
Price: Cheap
Vegetarian options: Some tofu dishes

If you wish for delicious fish maybe you should not go to the Nutrition House. The Nutrition House is the kind of Chinese restaurant that I fear: thick gooey sauces that clearly came out of a can, poured on top of something that just came out of the freezer. The menu features shrimp, squid and flounder. While these seafood entrées sound interesting, they were the three items voted most likely to be frozen by their classmates in high school. If a restaurant has no seasonal fish whatsoever on the menu you should probably beware.

It's so incredibly sad when a great restaurant falls on hard times. Which is why it brings me no joy to report that there is literally nobody home at Jamba Juice when it comes to customer issues. Let's start with the hot tea promotion. Did you know Jamba Juice has started selling tea and coffee in addition to their juice concoctions? Probably not, since Jamba Juice doesn't spend that much on advertising. One thing they do love: in-store leaflets. If you walked into any Jamba Juice in the Bay Area last week you would have seen leaflets advertising the new tea and coffee drinks, with a coupon for a free drink printed on the bottom.

If you actually tried to redeem this coupon, however, you might have received a story about how Jamba Juice corporate told the stores to not honor the coupon. This was the story I was given at the Jamba Juice located at 3990 El Camino Real # C in Palo Alto. Now this is pretty ridiculous, but it's not the first time Jamba Juice created a "giveaway" promotion that they did not ultimately honor. If you were one of the unlucky people that tried to use the Jamba Juice Neighbor Appreciation Card you know what I mean. The free juice that I earned with that promotion disappeared into a cash register somewhere in Manhattan Beach and never resurfaced.

Restaurant: Rush Street
Location: 9546 Washington Blvd., Culver City CA
Style of cuisine: Chi-town vibe
Price: $13 - $19 (dinner menu)
Vegetarian options: Grilled vegetable penne with grilled squash, zucchini, eggplant, roasted cherry tomatoes... are you drooling yet?
Website: Rush Street

The latest trend in urban planning is to tear up a street, place cobblestones where the pavement used to be and declare the entire area an outdoor mall so hipsters have somewhere to go on the weekends. That's what happened in Culver City recently, where a small stretch of road was stripped of its name, cobblestoned over and turned into a pedestrian thoroughfare. Incredibly, a number of great restaurants have taken root in the middle of this urban oasis. Without a doubt the stand-out in the group is Rush Street, a restaurant so hip even the nachos come piled high with seared ahi tuna and black sesame seeds.

Witness hipster nachos:

I love the psychology of elitism, almost as much as I love the psychology of crazy. Which is why I've always been fascinated by the perks granted to the elite. Take for example the perks that are bestowed upon you once you reach the lofty position of tenured university professor: a job for life, an army of indentured grad students and your own private dining hall. I understand the basis for some of these perks. How else would you get someone to forgo the pay associated with private industry without the carrot of lifetime employment? But a private dining facility? Are the students simply unclean?

TheRefrigerator decided to go undercover and find out just what goes on in the faculty dining hall at Santa Clara University.

Restaurant: Loving Hut
Location: 516 Barber Lane, Milpitas CA and 165 University Avenue, Palo Alto CA
Style of cuisine: Vegan
Price: $6.95 - $9.95 (lunch menu)
Vegetarian options: You should hold your birthday party here
Website: Loving Hut

How does one even attempt to explain the Loving Hut? It's a restaurant, a cake shop, the largest Tofurky distributor on the west coast and a recruiting station for Supreme Master TV (whatever that is). An enormous, neon "Loving Hut" sign that is supposed to hang outside the restaurant is nailed to the ceiling inside the restaurant instead. It's one part Wonka chocolate factory (where up is down) and one part Buddhist temple.

See, the Loving Hut has a philosophy and that philosophy is veganism. Throughout the restaurant there are pictures of Richard Gere and Reese Witherspoon, their faces hanging above a caption that reads,

"These smart, beautiful, talented people are vegetarian. Why aren't you?"

If you don't mind a restaurant that has the ambiance of an Army recruiting station then you will probably like the Loving Hut.

Restaurant: Bistro Elan
Location: 448 South California Avenue, Palo Alto CA
Style of cuisine: French
Price: Highway robbery
Vegetarian options: Chanterelle Pancakes for $13, Sautéed Broccoli for $9.75, Chilled Cucumber Soup for $9.75
Website: Bistro Elan

Nobody loves a good French restaurant more than me. After consuming copious amounts of French cooking I want nothing more than to lie down beside my table in the restaurant and fall asleep. My wife can confirm that I've tried to do this on more than one occasion. Which is why I was so disappointed with my experience at Bistro Elan. Bistro Elan is a well established, well reviewed restaurant that serves incredibly bad food at incredibly high prices. We waited so long in-between courses that we almost nodded off from sheer boredom. It would have been the first time I ever fell asleep in a restaurant from something other than contentment.

Just in case you, too, would like to have your wallet drained for no good reason, here is what the amuse-bouche looks like at Bistro Elan:

Restaurant: Darda Seafood Restaurant
Location: 296 Barber Court, Milpitas CA
Style of cuisine: Halal Chinese food
Price: Best deal at the 99 Ranch Market
Vegetarian options: A few tofu dishes

If your place of employ offers lunch, chances are the corners have been cut so many times that things are starting to look like a circle. When I worked at Netflix they served a wretched boxed lunch to all the employees (and the expectation was you would stay in the building and eat this crime against humanity instead of going out for lunch). At my current employ the food is a bit better but a working person needs a cheap, local eatery to survive the daily grind. Enter Darda Seafood Restaurant.

Darda occupies the space of two normal restaurants at the 99 Ranch Market mall. An enormous portrait of Mecca fills the back wall. Underneath a towering Kaaba sit dozens of banquet-style tables and chairs. The whole thing feels like a big Chinese wedding that got booked in a mosque.

Did I mention they serve Chinese food?

Restaurant: Mayfield Bakery and Cafe
Location: Town & Country Village, 855 El Camino Real, Palo Alto CA
Style of cuisine: French technique applied to "organic, seasonal and sustainable ingredients"
Price: You'll wonder if the menu is priced in Swedish krona and weep quietly when you learn that it's not
Vegetarian options: Wide variety
Website: Mayfield Bakery and Cafe

How do I love thee Mayfield? Let me count the ways: your coffee is full of flavor, but never bitter. Like Folger's always promised us but never delivered. Your waitstaff openly wept upon receiving the news that ours had grown lukewarm over the course of our meal. As if hot water had never cooled before. Waiters crawled over one another in a mad rush to bring us a fresh cup of your magical, dark brew. It was a breakfast of perfection.

I don't know if the Peet's Coffee & Tea near you carries Hint Essence Water, but mine does. As a dedicated food blogger I knew I had to give it a try. The bottle promises that,"Hint is a refreshing alternative to soda, juice and other sweetened drinks and it tastes great." Hint actually tastes like plastic, so the bottle is not being completely honest with you.

If you visit the Hint website you'll see that Kara Goldin, creator of bad-tasting Hint, thinks that $2.50 for a 16 ounce serving of plastic-tasting water is a great deal. Kara also wants you to know that her Facebook page has earned 2,795 "Likes" to date. How in the world 2,795 consumers brought themselves to click the "Like" button in regard to this product, however, is a mystery that will forever be shrouded in shadows. I did hear that your palate loses sensation as you grow older, so maybe there's a really big retirement home that lets the residents hang out on Facebook all day.

Restaurant: Quickly USA - New Generation Asian Fusion Style Chain Cafe
Location: 540 Barber Lane, Milpitas CA
Style of cuisine: Asian junk food
Price: Cheap
Vegetarian options: If you care about what you eat you will never eat here
Website: Quickly USA

What won't I eat for this blog? In Episode 3 of our series on the restaurants of the 99 Ranch Market I took a tour of the lowest of low-end cuisine at Quickly. This is what Quickly calls a pot sticker:



It wasn't horrible. But it didn't taste like anything. It was sitting in my mouth and it acted like food, but you could tell it was just phoning in the role.

Restaurant: Maruichi
Location: 530 Barber Lane, Milpitas CA
Style of cuisine: Japanese ramen
Price: $7.45 for more noodles than you can eat
Vegetarian options: All broths are either pork based or chicken based

Episode 2 in our ongoing series on the cuisine of 99 Ranch Market brings us to Maruichi, a ramen house that always has a line outside. Loyal patrons who are willing to wait for a table is usually a good sign, and Maruichi does not let down in this regard. When you finally do get your table, you'll notice a plastic container of kimchi awaiting your arrival.



You might be wondering what a Korean staple food is doing in a Japanese ramen house. Apparently kimchi is extremely popular in Japan and is frequently found in Japanese restaurants. If you haven't tried kimchi before then you should probably take the plunge at Maruichi; their kimchi is delicious. If want to know what's in kimchi then I should probably warn you that you're not going to like the list of ingredients (fermented cabbage and, well... fermented cabbage). But like Gestalt psychology or the Mona Lisa, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.